Get it fixed!

AS you carry out your weekly shop on the high street, you may be enticed by the aroma of freshly baked bread from the Bakery. Soon you would pass the Butchers … the shop window displaying the finest cuts. Which other establishments would you see whilst doing the weekly shop? Newsagents for sure … Fruit and Veg shops … Furniture shops … Men’s and Women’s wear shops … the Hardware shop … an Electrical shop … you may even see a Record shop (this weekly shop may seem like ‘Shopping Hell’ to many a folk these days).

There’s a strong likelihood that you will also come across a shop stacked with bulky rectangular shaped electrical items. You step inside, shimmy your way around the rectangular boxes and make it to the counter. There’s no one in sight so you call out a friendly ‘Hello’. ‘Just a sec!’ is the reply and a minute later you’re greeted by the flustered looking proprietor.

Welcome to the TV Repair shop!

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Why would you bring your TV here? Why not just buy a new one? Well we had not really entered the ‘chuck away and buy a new one’ era… we were still in the ‘let’s get the fixed and carry on’ stage.

What problems did you have with your TV? Goodness where to start!

A solid, dark, horizontal line continuously running down the screen whilst watching your favourite show. Frustration turned to anger and after giving the disobedient rectangular beast a couple of hard slaps (top and sides), the last resort was the TV repair shop.

You would ask a family member to move around the room with the indoor aerial in one hand and shout ‘Stop!’ when the picture looked half decent. Sadly your poor family member could not transform themselves into a statue and hold their position for the entire evening. No other option … a trip to the TV repair shop.

Watching a programme then the normal sized human on the screen suddenly becomes elongated. They have taken on Ghost like features and the innocent programme you were watching has turned into the Hammer House of Horror! TV repair shop here we come!

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It was quite a challenge getting the disobedient TV out the front door for the journey to the repair shop. Those TV’s were hefty and tricky to maneuver down a hallway. A second pair of hands was highly advised to clear obstacles and open doors.

Health and Safety was not high on the agenda whilst maneuvering the TV out the front door … watch your fingers whilst going round sharp bends … make sure your helper does their job and does not neglect any bit’s of Lego, electrical cords and vacuum cleaner attachments. The last thing you want is to trip and drop your faulty TV … God help you if you do … broken fingers and feet … but this could also lead to a viable reason to purchase a new TV.

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The TV repair shops were busy … it was good business if you had the know-how. They were not the most attractive of places, (many appeared dark due to the sheer amount of TV’s in the window blocking out the light) but we needed them. We needed them badly as many of us could not afford to splash out on a new TV. The valuable service they provided meant our TV’s would be back home in a week or so … free from horizontal lines, fuzziness and Ghosts!

Addicted!

You tell yourself you don’t want it but you do. That’s it … never again you tell yourself but you give up the fight as you are silently seduced knowing you’ll have serious regrets when you regain your senses. The silent seductress looks perfect, smells divine and you’ll have the slightly embarrassed look of Oliver Twist whist pleading for more.

Not to worry … It’s bedtime and once asleep the silent seductress has no chance … Wrong! … You’re more likely to be seduced when your guards down and you’re sprawled ungraciously across your memory foam mattress. You give in, jump to your feet and sneak downstairs in search of the seductive one. You arrive at your destination of naughtiness, throw open the fridge door and grab the one you’ve been drawn to. You waste no time hurling a glassful of the wicked one down your neck … Arrrrhh that’s better. There’s a feeling of excitement as the wicked one reaches all your body parts as you break out into an uncontrollable, unfashionable dance. You’re elated and within seconds you’re on the brink of Climax … Climax is followed by intense relief and giddiness. Hold on … someone’s been clocking you! Your sneaky tactics were unsuccessful as you stare at the unimpressed face of the one whose clocked you. Still recovering from your climax you giddily confess that R Whites Lemonade is responsible for your addiction!

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How could this innocent bottle of lemonade cause sleepless nights, ridiculous dance moves and complete giddiness?

Maybe Colonel Sanders is behind this … the same chap who’s behind the secret recipe for KFC. Perhaps Colonel was sneakily collared by the marketeer responsible for the R Whites brand and asked to add a secret ingredient to the recipe to spice it up. As you can tell, I’m clutching at feathers.

R Whites has got me snookered. I don’t know how they do it but that’s their secret (which has been well kept over the years).

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As for me I think I will avoid keeping R Whites in my fridge for now. It’s not that I’m not partial to a drop of R Whites, but I need to keep a lid on things. My life is chaotic enough at the moment and 24 hours is never enough. If I were to leave a bottle of R Whites chilling in the fridge, I would end up 6 feet under in record time … cause of death … Insomnia!

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To conclude I would just to say to all the fans of R Whites to keep on enjoying … keep knocking back this old school legend. You’re addicted and you don’t even deny the fact that you’re hooked. You like it … you love it! You can’t wait to repeat the Climax-Giddy process. You have no shame, no regrets and no morals! R Whites has got an unbreakable grip on you and you’ve given up fighting … you just go with the flow.

There’s an R Whites rehab centre locally to help you kick the habit … sadly it’s been a total waste of funding … the centre is a desolate shell with no attendees.

I shall sign off with a chuckle whist thinking about your sneaking around in the night, your seductress drawing you in and your unashamed mannerism!

Shameless addiction (click to follow) https://youtu.be/hro4AdTYiTA

Recovery!

Cough cough … Splutter splutter! Achooo! Maybe the flu has got you flat out on your back … motionless like a sack of Spuds.

Been working like a Horse and now feeling knackered?

Maybe you’re in a hospital bed recovering from a minor op.

Don’t stress because your road to recovery has been given a major boost! The flu will be a distant memory, you’ll be back working like an enthusiastic Horse and they’ll be a vacant hospital bed in no time!

Your recovery route will be assisted by Lucozade!

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It was common to see a bunch of flowers, some Grapes and a bottle of Lucozade by a patient’s bedside whilst recovering in hospital. I guess the flowers were to cheer the sick one up … reminding them of the beautiful life waiting for them on the outside. Not sure about the grapes … keeping the waterworks flowing and flushing out those toxins? There was no doubt about the contribution of Lucozade … gives you a boost that enables you to hobble swiftly to the loo (always helpful if you have chomped on a bunch of grapes). Gave you a mental boost too … ‘I’ve just had a glass of Lucozade, the energy boosting drink that’s so potent it needs to be wrapped in cellophane to keep it under control. Once unleashed the result is unquestionable!’

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There are 3 steps to successful recovery … Medical attention, Rest and Lucozade. Lucozade can be seen as the most enjoyable part of the recovery step … the finishing line which was once blurred, is now bold and horizontal. Lucozade could be described in 3 words … ‘The Recovery Drink’ (TRD) They were no frills with this recovery drink … no claims to give you wings … it just did what you expected it to do … encourage the final stage of recovery to get a wriggle on!

I recall TRD being a bit premium too. Let me explain … my dear Dad would buy his Wife a bottle of TRD at the weekend. I guess it was seen as a kind of treat back then. When placed in the fridge it would be seen a block of solid Gold surrounded by inferior bits of Bronze (Orange squash which required a dilution rate of one-to-one to taste decent). I guess back then this loving gesture was the equivalent of buying your other half a nice bottle of Merlot or Craft Beer. Thinking about it, in this day and age, if you were to buy a bottle of Lucozade for your partner as a treat, you’ll probable get a strange look … that ‘You having a laugh?’ look. How times have changed.

TRD has legendary status. It’s iconic looks and no nonsense approach were appreciated by many. I’m for sure thankful for all what he did for me whilst getting over various illnesses.

The next time you’re stuck indoors, ill and feeling sorry for yourself … Remember Medical attention, Rest and Lucozade!

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Rewind … Urmston Live 2015

SOUNDS of the 70s were on the agenda at Urmston Live 2015.

The likes of State of Quo, Small Weller, Abba’s Angels & Bay City Rollers entertained the hundreds who turned out at Abbotsfield Park.

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The initial Autumn like conditions did not discourage the festival goers from dancing in the rain whilst feasting on Chips and Ice creams!

The 70s were well and truly back with some eye-catching outfits!

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When the Autumn like weather was replaced by blue skies, off came the raincoats and the festival was in full Summer swing.

It was not just the ones who had fond memories of the 70s that attended this festival … the ones whom had missed the 70s were here soaking up the 70s atmosphere.

Urmston Live was a colourful, nostalgic, fun trip down memory lane for many.

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If you notice people Urmston singing 70s songs, shaking their hips and wearing Flares … Urmston Live will be held accountable!

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Winter motoring advice … Retro style

DARK mornings are now upon us we speed towards winter.

The last thing you want on a chilly dark morning is to drag yourself out to your car, pop the key in the ignition, but instead of your mean machine firing up, it stays static and sounds like it’s had a heavy night of Cigarettes and Booze.

Here are 10 top tips to keep your mean machine trouble free during the chilly months.

  1. Get a service. Keep your motor in top nick by getting a decent service. Ask your neighbour, Fergus, if he can get away from work a bit early and catch the last bit of daylight to squeeze in a service. Why not take your car to a garage? Well Fergus has a decent track record … you’ve seen him revive a Ford Cortina during the summer … It took him 6 weeks but the car now runs like a beast! Chances are Fergus will just want a couple of pints as payment so you’ll save yourself a bit of Dosh.
  1. Check your tyre pressure. Easy … Take a couple steps back, swing your leg back (as if taking a penalty kick) and give your tyre a good kick. If you drop to the ground wriggling with pain then your tyre pressure is spot on. If not then nip over to Fergus for a foot pump and give your tyres a boost.
  1. Pour in some oil. I once heard a story about a guy who’d constantly burn his cars out. Eventually we found out that he’d never put oil in the engine. Fergus should really have checked your oil level during the service but with time restrictions due to lack of daylight hours, he may have omitted this check. Check that dipstick … if low on oil then top up quickly … I recommend Duckhams.

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  1. Screenwash. Now I know there is a temptation to pour a mixture of water and washing up liquid into your screen wash reservoir … don’t do it! Screen wash at the correct dilution level won’t freeze and will keep your windscreen smear free.
  1. Warm up … Do you really need it? Whilst growing up, a regular occurrence for motorists was to jump in their cars and just sit there revving the engine. The reasoning for this was to warm up. I had mixed views on this method as the best and most efficient way of warming up is to drive the damn thing! It’s totally up to you how you prefer to warm up … I sadly have not got the same level of expertise as Fergus. This leads me nicely onto …
  1. Basic knowledge. Some motorists only know how to drive their vehicle, which is fine. The question is do they know the basics of how their four wheeled (or 3 wheeled) vehicle works? If not then get yourself a copy of the classic ‘How it works the Motor Car’. You know it makes sense.

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  1. Watch that Choke! When you start up on a freezing morning the chances are you will need to pull the choke out then push it in as your engine gets to temperature. Forget to push it back in and you’ll end up stranded with a flooded engine. You’ll be sobbing over your steering wheel as the queue of traffic builds up behind you.
  1. Have enough petrol in the tank. Don’t be caught out by letting your petrol level drop so low that it evaporates. Get yourself to your local Esso station (indicated by the innocent looking Tiger) and fill to the brim with 4 star leaded. Drive off happy and confident knowing you have tiger power fuelling your mean machine … Vroom Vroom!

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  1. Money. Keep some 10p coins handy on your journeys. Even after your vehicle has been serviced, there is still a remote chance you could still breakdown. Having coins handy allows you to make that emergency call from a phonebox. Make sure you know Fergus’ surname so you can find him in the phonebook.
  1. Specialised knowledge. Not all cars are the same. Get to know your car by getting hold of a Haynes manual. Study it … study it with intensity until you know the in’s and out’s of your vehicle. Impress Fergus with your specialised knowledge and eventually you’ll be able to sack him off!