‘IT’S been too long … far too long … 40 years too long. The Bride and Groom will be together. The ceremony will be a blast that will last. Everyone is invited. Come along and have a rock ‘n’roll time’.

Robin: Who’s getting married Batman?

Batman: I don’t know Robin. There’s been no mention of a wedding in Gotham. This message is a bit of a riddle.

Robin: The Riddler!

Batman: Yes Boy Wonder … only the Riddler could put together such a riddled message.

Robin: Is the Riddler getting married Batman?

Batman: No Robin.

Robin: I’m baffled by this wretched riddle from the wretched Riddler!

Batman: I’ve got it!

Robin: What is it Batman?

Batman: The Gotham City museum will have the most expensive Ruby on display at the weekend. The Riddler is planning on getting his hands on it and then setting off an explosion to aid his getaway!

Robin: Holy Ruby Wedding!

Batman: Exactly! To the Batmobile!

Villains, villains and more villains. The life of a crime fighter is a dangerous one … each day trying to get into the minds of villains. What will the villains do next? It’s a game of Chess that requires careful, strategic planning and execution.

Unraveling riddles, avoiding traps and capturing villains … Batman!
Watch out for the Joker … he’s hiding in pack! He will smile at you and shake your hand … you’ll feel a shot of electricity shoot up your arm … you’ll shriek and shake whilst trying to endure the unbearable pain whilst the Joker bursts into hysterical laughter.

The Riddler. Who is he? Where is he? What’s he going to do next? You’ll receive one of his riddles and struggle to make sense of it. You’ll spend hours scratching your head, baffled by the cryptic message. All becomes clear when the Riddler’s crime makes front page news.

Catwoman is cunning and athletic. Don’t be fooled but her innocent looking eyes and sheer beauty. This milk lapping lady will leave you completely broken after you’ve been tricked and robbed.

King Tut and The Penguin are other villains on the wanted list.

We need Batman. We’re just not smart enough to deal with the villains of Gotham. Once he’s tracked down the villains, he’ll will outwit them, beat em up (Pow! Bam! Crash!) and hand them over to the law for a spell in jail.

Thanks to Batman we have hope in Gotham. We can rest assured that Batman is hard at work unraveling riddles and capturing villains. Thanks to Batman the future is bright for our families, friends and the city of Gotham … there is hope … Batman!

How to survive a term at Grange Hill (Part 2)

LAST week it was advice for the boys. This week the girls take centre stage. A term at Grange Hill may seem pretty daunting, but it will be a stroll in the park when you follow the sound advice from the retrohen team. Let’s go …

  1. Hang out with Trish Yates. Let’s face it … you’ll hardly catch Trish with a smile on her face. Chances are that you’ll hear her attempting to rebuke Tucker. Trish will stand up for herself and she’ll stand up for you once you’re on her side. Troops and allies are what you need to survive the term … with her rapid fire verbal defence, you’ll have an ally in Trish Yates.



2. Avoid Imelda Davis. I say avoid but it really depends on the career path you want to take. If survival to you means getting good O Level grades, being the teachers pet whilst being a goodie goodie, then avoid Imelda. If you plan to leave Grange Hill with a reputation of dishing out Slaps, Punches and Kicks and pursue a career in the underworld, then Imelda is your girl. Remember … if you make your bed, you must lie in it!



3. Watch out for McClusky. She may come across as the soft Headteacher but tread with caution. If you get dragged to her office and think you’ll be able to explain the reasons for your wrongdoings, think again! Mrs McClusky will give you that look … ‘Really? … Yeah right … I don’t believe you … You’re a liar!’ If you don’t want to spend the majority of the term in detention, then best avoid being marched to McClusky’s office.



4. Explore your caring side … like Janet. Janet has a caring heart. Janet is persistent … she’s always trying to help outcast Roland. ‘Ro Land … Ro Land … Ro Land …’. Even though Roland has told her to get lost and leave him alone on many occasions, Janet just won’t give up. Find an outcast, be nice to them, stand by them through their dark days and surely they will show their appreciaton somewhere in the far off distant future.



5. Spend time with the good lookers. This is a sure way to get yourself noticed … and to get yourself a boyfriend! Be seen with the good lookers of Grange Hill and you won’t want the term to end. Fay, Cally and Annette are a few suggestions.



Sound advice for the girls from the retrohen team. Your term at Grange Hill will be assured, fun and memorable … and of course you’ll survive.

How to survive a term at Grange Hill (Part 1)

HOW do you survive a term at this well known school? Grange Hill can be tough and you’ve got to have your head screwed on to survive the term. Here’s some advice from the retrohen team that will help you breeze through the term. This week its advice for the boys.

1. Don’t mess with Mr Bronson! This upright, moustache sporting, booming voiced deputy headteacher will keep you in line. Mr Bronson is the Sergeant and you are the Soldier in training … step out out line and expect your eardrums to be shattered by Bronson. You’ve been warned!



2. Have a laugh with Tucker. Cheekiness, backchat and scheming are a few things you’ll pickup when you hang out with Tucker. He’s the trickster of Grange Hill and you’ll be amazed at how you’ve perfected the art of ducking and diving after spending a term with Tucker and his crew. Join Tucker’s crew now!



3. Avoid Gripper Stebson! Hide, turn the other way, don’t make eye contact, keep well clear! This bully will beat you to a pulp and you’ll be left shaken like a Martini made for James Bond for the rest of the school term. You think Gripper is a nasty piece of work? He is indeed and he’s always looking to excel in his gangster styled operations at Grange Hill.



4. Say No to Zammo! He may seem like a cheeky chappy but as I’m looking into my crystal ball I see darkness. Ohh Zammo … why ohh why? You may not see it during this term but things are not looking too bright for Zammo. Have a laugh with him at school but kindly decline if he suggests meeting some ‘other’ mates outside of school.



5. Be a football genius like Benny. Excel at footie you’ll impress Bullet Baxter. Amazing skill, agility, ball control and lightening speed made Benny an automatic choice on the Grange Hill team sheet … you’ll be an automatic choice too! He’s also part of Tucker’s crew so it’s all good.


There you have it boys. Play your cards right and follow the retrohen advice and it will be a breeze. Enjoy term time!

Let it Burn

SORRY! Please accept my sincere apologies. I know it was an error on my behalf. It was an impulse buy. It was reduced to a Deep Sea Diver (A Fiver or £5 to a non Londoner). I was reeled in by the bargain price tag and the Beckham branding. I like Becks … I admire him not only for bending it like … well … Beckham, but his all round style. Well Becks, your aftershave looks stylish (nice box and bottle … well dressed like yourself) and it also smells nice (let’s just assume you smell nice eh?). 

By purchasing your aftershave I committed an act worthy of 100 lashes in public view. I’m ashamed of myself and I’m drunk with regret. So what was this act (perpetrated by yours truly) which deserves severe punishment? I betrayed the old school legends of the aftershave industry and went for a younger, sweeter smelling model. I’ve ditched the legends who’ve groomed me into the man I am today. I’ve ditched the legends that set my freshly shaven cheeks on fire after a shave. I’m a traitor!

Sorry Blue Stratos. Sorry Brut (that includes Brut Sport and Musk). Sorry Hai Karate. Sorry Old Spice. Sorry Denim. Sorry Javan. To any more of the old school legends I’ve forgotten, please accept my sincere apologies.

So Becks … our affair lasted a few weeks. At first you worked a treat but I should have caught on that something was not quite right. You smelt nice once splashed onto my freshly shaven cheeks but something was missing. Love is blind … I fell for you in breakneck speed … my downfall was inevitable. When I splashed you on you didn’t burn my cheeks … that is what was missing … that burn. You just gave a light sting but not ‘my face is on fire’ burn. I get pleasure from the burning sensation from a aftershave after a close shave.

Like the Prodigal Son, I decided to crawl back to one of the old school legends, the Kung Fu styled aftershave, Hai Karate. Whilst splashing on the Kung Fu styled aftershave, I got a taste of what I was missing. Hai Karate burned my freshly shaven cheeks. In fact at the point when the burn intensity reached its peak, I was on the verge of letting out a ‘teenager first time applying aftershave’ scream. The burning sensation gave me a sense of satisfaction that the younger and more attractive Beck could not match. The burn from the Kung Fu styled aftershave is unforgettable. The burn tells me that the aftershave is doing its job by promoting rapid healing to my freshly shaven cheeks.

The old school legend welcomed me back with open arms, just like in the parable of the Prodigal Son. I regret having a brief affair with the younger, more attractive model. The grass is sometimes never greener on the other side. I’m grateful for the forgiveness of the old school legend. I know deep down the old school legends will always love me. I recently strengthened my relationship with the old school legends by purchasing a bottle of Brut Sport. Relationship restored and burn intensity restored … I’m in a good place.