Hold it!!!

I would dread it! My body would tremble at the thought of heading into the grey chilly cubicle. I would try to hold out until the bell at 3.30pm … hold my breath and clench my buttocks. Time check … 2pm … only an hour and a half to hold on. Can I make it? No … Yes … maybe … 

Keep clenching, take slow deep breaths … in out … don’t think about it … think about Jackanory … think about the making it home and finding relief in the smallest room in the house.

It’s no good, I give into the sensation and my hand shoots up requesting permission to head to the Cubicle of Pain.

I enter the cubicle of pain like a boy heading into the headmasters office for 6 of the best. I enter and my enemy is there innocently hanging from the dispenser roll. I shake as I hesitantly lock the door behind me and drop my trousers before carefully placing my bum on the chilly black toilet seat.

Business completed … arrrhhh relief. I shiver as I know this is when the innocent looking enemy bursts into life and inflicts punishment that will torment me for hours. I reel off a strip and my hand shakes like I’m receiving an electric shock from having just shaken hands with The Joker. I wipe … I cringe as the feeling of sandpaper runs on my bum. One strip is not enough and I reel off another strip … more pain … sandpaper (coarse grade) inflicting more pain on my chilly innocent bum.

I exit the cubicle of pain walking like I’ve been shot in the bum. I get back to my desk and sit down gingerly. I can hear my torturer on the roll giggling away in the distance. 

Where was the Andrex dog to save my bum? 

Dr Izal you are wicked! You showed no remorse and the pain from your torture session lasted for hours. Dr Izal … you should be struck off from the National Association of Toilet Paper Suppliers. You should be banned from all school toilets! Dr Izal your surgery should should be shut down and replaced with the Soft, Long and very Strong toilet paper practice. Dr Izal I’m glad I’ll never ever step foot in your cubicle of pain again!

The Master Baker

Shortcrust pastry baked to perfection. The Sponge is incredibly light and golden. You’ll begin salivating once the aroma of the cakes baking in the oven drifts up your nostrils. The baked items are are then decorated superbly … the Jam, super fruity … the fondant, super smooth. The fruit fillings, delicious! This farmhouse kitchen is hidden away in a small village in the beautiful English countryside. The farmhouse kitchen packed with the finest ingredients to make perfect confectionary items. 

The bakers of these fine items of confectionery is a bit of a mystery …  No one has ever seen them. How many master bakers are hard at work in the farmhouse kitchen? Where did they learn their trade? Is it a family business? Will they ever show their dazzling baking skills on the Great British Bake Off? So many questions but still a mystery.

The aroma of the perfectly baked confectionery engulfs the village. The village locals take a sneaky peek through windows of the farmhouse kitchen whilst ‘passing by’. Many of the sneaky peekers see no one but a few of them describe seeing a man through the steamy kitchen Windows. Some describe him as being in his 60s kitted out in bakers uniform. Others say they saw him haunched over the worktop whilst expertly rolling out pastry. A couple other locals say they caught a glimpse of him carefully pouring fondant over some cutely cut sponge pieces. It seems like we are dealing with a gent whom is highly skilled.

What type of delights come out from this farmhouse kitchen? Scrumptious French Fancies, … Bakewell Tarts that you’ll be dreaming about … Apple Pies that’ll make you rub your tummy … Jam Tarts that you’ll be munching on during your final feast … his Manor House Cake is splendid for when special guests are expected (The Queen, President, Prime Minister, Mother in-law to be). 

Baker extraordinaire … he’s the undisputed champion who’s always on top form. His performance is consistent. He works hard to delight us with his fine confectionery and he never fails to delight. This Baker extraordinaire makes exceedingly good cakes.